Who do you think is worthy of being a Christian? On being gay in the evangelical movement.
I’ve been writing this for two years. It’s still not flawless but as it’s pride month and we’re already calling out the Church for racism anyway, I thought I’d further shake the boat with my ideas on why a lot of Christianity is bad.
If at any point you think this is about you, it’s probably about you. Those of you who it isn’t about will have no reason to feel called out or guilty.
Disclaimers: I am a cis, middle-of-the-spectrum woman, I do not speak for all non cishets. I am not white, so I exist at that intersection too (which is a whole different issue that needs its own space). Also this is my opinion. The intention of this isn’t to sound aggressive (I’m certain I sound aggressive at times but I’m just being blunt), it isn’t asking for apologies or pitty on any level. This isn’t about me. It also isn’t about why Christians can be gay or why you should be nicer to gay people, those resources exist. I do not offer solutions, only a wake-up call.
So hello! I’m Maia, I’m a cisgendered woman and I identify as pansexual. For me, pansexual means that I don’t experience any difference in my sexual attraction towards any gender. I’m more romantically attracted to femininity and I honestly don’t think I could date anyone who is a cisgendered man (but this is a whole different essay).
So that's an introduction to my queerness, but in terms of religion I recently came across the term exvangelical. I grew up agnostic, but found my faith aged 15/16 after attending an evangelical summer camp. I don’t want any of this to diminish my experience of faith that I got at those camps, because it was life affirming and wonderful. From the ages of 16 to about 20 I wholeheartedly believed in the messages that I had been taught there. I even went back to camp as an assistant leader for 2 years while doing my undergraduate degree because I was so grateful for what they had done for me I wanted to pay it forward.
The form of Christianity I was taught was pretty fundamentalist. Looking back, I don’t agree with the attitude of listening to what a leader has to say about something and not reading about it yourself or really questioning it. In my mind, my belief in God was evidence based- it was a personal experience that I wouldn't ever deny today, but my belief in God has never been the problem for me.
Situational teaching
My problem is the way the Bible is taught by those people and the way that we’re taught to sit, smile, nod and believe. I understand that Christians believe that leaders are appointed by God, and that we should listen to them and that’s all well and good, but those leaders are from one group of (mostly) white, British, (at least pretending to be) straight people.
Other leaders come from families who have had 2 children come out as gay, and have had to adjust their theology.
Other leaders come from areas of the world where their religion is constantly contested and have had to adjust their theology.
The teaching that your leader is providing is cultural and situational, because that’s how people work and I think it is incredibly arrogant to believe that anything they are telling you is somehow the fact that they frame it all to be. It’s all opinion and you’re not allowed to question it. That is really, really wrong and dangerous.
I think this form of teaching is harmful. I never fit into this group even when I truly believed everything I was being taught, when I held it so close to my heart that it gave me so much comfort. And that was upsetting then. Now, I absolutely understand why: I questioned them even then. I’m sorry to the leaders I exhausted with my views on women, but my life, views and identity are equally important to a man, and I will not be squashed into your limited view of gender. I still don’t understand why everyone was so afraid of women and their sexuality (I mean I do, it’s about control). I still don’t understand why we talked about gay people more than the temptation to lie or cheat or any other sin that God apparently holds in the same regard. In a world that is so full of hypocrisy, the idea of someone questioning things is terrifying to leaders. I wonder why I was so surprised that they were fine with me falling off.
Evangelism is over party
In my last year at camp, a few days in, I knew that would be my last. I showed up with my life at home nothing like those leaders would agree with. I was in a relationship with my first girlfriend, I was friends with a wide spectrum of cultures, religions and sexualities and I didn’t question any of their validities. I went to church, got involved with youth work and did my bit to do good work there. I think by that point my relationship with God had developed into something more personal, and I had been questioning and reading for myself for a few years, able to understand my theology in a way that I felt worthy of being here.
At camp, I felt so awful that I was endorsing that teaching. According to Kinsey, at least 1:10 people are gay. I know we can never know exact numbers but I knew that a lot of people were not straight and couldn’t help what was being taught. And there were hundreds of teenagers at that camp being taught that they were wrong if they felt that way*. (Ironically, the first time I had a conscious thought that I was definitely not straight was while I was being told that I shouldn’t be at camp. Because I didn’t go home to the same teaching, this didn’t mess me up, but those poor kids who do go home to that).
*I ask for you to cut me some slack for being compliant. Until that year I had been somewhat brainwashed into their teachings and in my final year being outed as a feminist lesbian wouldn’t have been good for my mental health.
By my last year, I had found groups of gay Christians at home. I had found people that were living their truth as a queer person and as someone who loved God and I knew that it was really easy and really intellectually true. I wanted to scream about it but I wasn’t brave enough yet and I knew that I was outnumbered by hundreds of people who believed that they could quote the old testaments feeling about male gang rape (Sodom and Gomorrah), which is obviously wrong, as somehow justifying gay people who wanted to live in a beautiful, Christian relationship with their same sex partner. I was ready to be done. i knew that staying in this world didn’t hold anything other than a fight in it.
I was so tired of it. So I left. I stopped going to Church, I stopped praying and I moved on with my life.
They don’t really care about us
Something that I’ve found absolutely perplexing is that Christians believe that anybody who is not a Christian when they die will go to hell forever. I know that we joke about hell being some sort of amazing sinner party, but they do not believe this. Their hell is a lonely torture chamber, forever (honestly think The Bad Place). Evangelicals claim that they are doing all that they can to keep people out of hell. Spoiler alert, they will only do that if you fit their idea of a good person.
The first time I realised this, I was shocked. One of the people who used to go to a friends church all the time haven’t been for a few months and somebody who knew them said that they’d “fallen off” or something similar. Essentially that they weren’t a Christian anymore. The responses from the people around me (who now thought she would be burned for eternity) were shrugs and “oh what a shames” but no jumping to action to save them. What? Actually what?
And now to me. I’d like to prefix this with the fact that I do not want nor have ever wanted to be saved, I am happy and at too many intersections for you. When I dropped of the Christian face of the Earth, not a single person was there to catch me. I know I’m a queer, black feminist so you’d have your work cut out but the silence was deafening. I can only assume that those Christians I was friends with didn’t think that somebody like me deserved to be in their heaven. If you cannot hold on to your friends when they fall off or grow into a different version of themselves, you really need to look at the issues of your theology because nobody is going to leave the comfort of belief for fun. And I know that you all think you’re immune from judgement (because Jesus) but you aren’t doing the one thing you think you’re called to do (helping God love everyone). God is watching you in your glass houses.
Some people are too far gone, but check in on your friends who have fallen off. They might not want saving but they might still want you as a friend. I know I am not the only one who has been pushed aside by an entire group of Christians for being a bit different. Please enlighten me as to why your Christianity is so weak that you tear yourselves away from everyone who will question you?
Only one type of Christian
This all comes back to my original point. Who do you think is worthy of being a Christian?
No, you don’t think it’s everyone. Think again at all the people you’ve let fall off. Look again at your friends. Because they are all one type of people.
Who do you think is worthy of being a Christian?
The majority of people that you are trying to reach are not like you and if you preach a theology that only fits white, cis, straight, middle-classed people, (I’m not even going to get onto the role of women here), you are isolating most of the world. If your main purpose in life is to be a good witness (I say if, but that is your main purpose as an evangelical), you are not doing that. At no point in my religious journey have I questioned whether God exists to some extent. I think I will believe that they do in some capacity for the rest of my life. God is not the problem, the people are.
I’ve lost the will to find a Christian community that works for me. I’m happy to isolate myself from (most, not all of, some of them are wonderful) my old school/camp friends because I feel like their influence in my life is damaging. I mean the anxiety of pretending is not worth it. They don’t get to tell me that their way of doing Christianity is the only way. Because that's not right even within this country, let alone the world.
Your religion is dying. You know why. Wake up and do better.
Dear queer babies
To anyone reading this who is in whatever kind of relationship with a Christian God and is struggling with their sexuality: do not be afraid that you are gay. Don’t let them “same-sex attraction” you. Being gay is wonderful and you are not alone. You are worthy of being in love, you do not have to be single forever in order to live a life pleasing to your God, but you will lose people through it. They are not worth it if they don’t want to read and learn and grow with you. You shouldn’t be the only one trying to be more progressive. There are communities for you and feel free to send me a message for more details (they’re safe spaces which I do not feel like I should share in this post). And feel free to send me a message if you just want a chat but pre-warning that I might convince you to leave the church and take up yoga instead.
Dear Evangelicals
To anyone reading this who thinks that I’m going to hell: that’s ok if it works for you. As long as you keep that to yourself then you’re only hurting yourself. But your way is not the only way. It is very easy for someone who is able to experience love and companionship and intimacy with another human in a way that works for evangelicals to tell people who don’t fit that they are wrong. But everyone deserves to feel that way with another person. Practice what you preach and love unconditionally if you can’t bring yourself to grow and get with the times. But people are gay. They popped out of the womb gay. And they can live a beautiful life whilst loving who they are meant to love if you let them.
I leave you with this: Who do you think is worthy of being a Christian? If your answer is not everyone, go and do the work to make sure that it is. And if your answer is everyone but your actions show this is not the case, go and do the work and make sure it is. Do better. And if you cannot do better in your Christianity, just be a better friend.
Some videos on why gay Christians can exist:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWvLJNaVgrI
Other resources, mostly for baby queers:
God and the Gay Christian, Matthew Vines
One Body, One Faith: https://www.onebodyonefaith.org.uk/
Inclusive Church (an excellent resource to find your tribe) https://www.inclusive-church.org/links
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